The Quest of the Legendary Potion

OK, no screwing around now. Time is of the essence. Tonight’s recap.

Mrs. Tiki’s adventure left off with the party returning to the Kingdom of Asatira, and the joyous reunion of Princess Florissa and her father, as well as the celebration of true love.

Word reaches the party that Mordred the traitor has taken the road to the south. Suspicions fall upon the neutral good cleric Lola as the one who proclaimed to the King that they would pursue Mordred to exact justice.

Before the party runs off like mad, impetuous children, they stop in at the tavern. The barkeep and Lola come to the conclusion that Mordred is indeed shifty; Boof expresses his intense desire to go south (“Hortense south”, he says). However, the entire party is in for a surprise as Boof stops at the general store with one intention: to purchase a ring for his intended fiancée. Lola takes a moment to remind Boof that Hortense has not agreed to marry him, and it was purely a suggestion on the part of Florissa as a diversion. Boof is positive Hortense will marry him, and carries on his shopping spree (new armor, a ring, some Charisma potion). Rana and Qui also pick up some Cure potions, lightening the cleric’s load.

A hilarious exchange occurs at the jeweler’s as Boof realizes he does not have enough money for a diamond ring. In addition, he is also not able to provide particular helpful details (height, size, look) to the jeweler to help the selection process. Instead:

J: Is she the same race as you?
B: Yes. She beautiful.
J: Uh. Okay.
Qui interjects with: “In theory.”

With the shopping expedition over, the company heads south. Within a day’s walk and overnight camp, they reach the small village of Shang. At the first sight of the party, the villagers run screaming for their homes. No doubt this seems verily odd to the party as they continue to the middle of town, where they are met by a meek, nervous-looking young man wielding a weapon. He identifies himself as the town protector (at which point Qui, Rana, and Lola exchanges wondering glances at the irony of that announcement). The young man then tells the story of a great, tall magician striding into town, demanding some kind of magic object from the town’s Grand Master, who refused to give it. The angry magician then obliterated the temple in which the GM resided and trained his apprentices. The Protector then tells of the incapacitated GM, who requires healing. How convenient this party happens to have someone who fits that bill. Lola offers her services, and the man ushers the party rather quickly over to the tavern/inn, aptly named “The Celestial Cup.” Upstairs the Grand master lies, and Lola quickly lays hands on him. He comes around enough to mutter the following words: “Stop him, first key, pillar, path to Heaven, my son will help…”

While this interesting conversation is happening, another is occurring down in the tavern area. Qui is chatting up the barkeep who mentions the Temple of the Celestial Pagoda and a Legendary Potion. Qui repeats these words about four times before serious remonstrations from the barkeep about the volume of his voice. The general assumption is that the magician was trying to steal this potion. It is unclear if he was successful or not. Also, Qui discovers the Grand Master’s name is Zho. At the mention of the temple, Rana exits the tavern en route for that place. Qui finishes up shortly after and bumps into Boof and Lola, who are descending from the GM’s room. All decide to head for the tavern, but not before they are accosted by a drunk guy who tells Qui that supposedly the “temple is a test to see who’s worthy”. Rana happens to slip into the destroyed temple, unnoticed by the two monks who are on clean up duty.

The rest of the party arrives, and Boof is put on clean-up detail too, being a man of strength and all. The magician obviously used explosive spells of some sort, as the inside is complete rubble. Once the monks see the party, the gathering of information begins:

1. The temple protects the potion
2. The potion is located on another plane

Lola feels positive there is nothing else she needs to know, so she plans to return to tend to the Grand Master. She is stopped by one of the Janitor Monks, who whispers of a rumor that Grand Master Zho did indeed have an affair with a woman (before taking vows of celibacy) named Ming, who then gave birth to a son named Ping (which prompted a question “Did they have another child named Pong?” from Qui at a later time). Lola is positive she has a spell which will help Zho, but she must meditate and memorize it first.

Qui, meanwhile, notices one of the temple pillars looks entirely different from the others. The discovery is that the different pillar is hollow. A fumble by Boof causes the pillar (accidentally) to shatter, and Rana finds, and pockets, a key in the shards of the new rubble. This action is only noticed by Qui. In the trip back to the tavern, Qui asks Rana about it, and she relays the discovery of the key. They both also spot guards at the back entrance to the temple.

In an uncharacteristic personal action, Boof decides to Gather Information back at the bar. Qui and Rana lounge in the doorway to enjoy what follows:

Boof: Hi. Grand Master Zho – he good?
Barkeep: Yes.
Boof: Okay.

End of conversation as it is clear this is NOT the answer Boof expected and he has no idea how to proceed from there. Meanwhile, Qui and Rana are dying of laughter in the doorway. The group tromps upstairs and walk in on a meditating Lola, who politely informs them of her intention and pointedly directs them back downstairs. After bringing her up to speed, especially with Boof’s enlightening piece of information regarding GM Zho, they return to the bar. Boof attempts to engage in conversation with a bar patron, which basically consists of monosyllabic Boof grunts about his Hortense and the bar patron (later known as ‘Tony’) responding politely to the socially depraved half-orc Barbarian. (added note by DM, Boof begins by asking what the patron does for fun around here, you like to have a good time?, to which Tony responds that he is not interested and is happily married.)Eventually, Boof shows a tattered picture of Florissa to the patron, who stares in unbelievingly awe, until Qui explains that it is Hortense’s cousin. Shortly afterwards, the patron leaves the bar, rather quickly. Qui makes the comment to the laughing barkeep that Boof’s verbal exchange was “some of the funniest shit ever”.

Lola, in the meantime, has revived from her trance and cast Dispel Curse on Zho. Through gentle questioning, she discovers the son, Ping, is in the graveyard and the party will find their answers there. The guards at the temple block the entrance to the cemetery, and Qui takes up the resistance here:

Qui: Hey, can’t you all see that I’m a monk?
Guards: This whole town is full of monks.
Rana: Can’t you see that I’m a fighter?
Guards: Uh.

The guards continue to refuse entry, and Qui attempts to challenge one of the guards. Lola receives the award for Most Wasted Spellcasting Effort as she casts Sanctuary (nobody can attack her) and then Hold Person on the guard who succeeded a Will save. As it turns out, the only thing the party needed was for the Janitor Monks to show up to provide clearance. Qui laments his wasted “man” effort. Ping’s headstone contains a small keyhole, and as Rana attempts to insert the key, it occurs to Qui and Lola that further circumstance clarification is needed.

Then, Qui and Lola inadvertently tell the JMs they are traveling to the Celestial Plane for the potion. The monks excitedly want to know if the party recovered THE KEY that unlocks the portal, and Qui declares, “Maybe.” Forehead-slapping all around. In an amazing save of a lifetime, Boof produces an ordinary silver key from his belongings and gives it to the monks…who accept the decoy gratefully, as they have no idea what THE KEY looks like.

OOG: Kimba is slightly horrified at Andrew’s cat-skewering story.

Rana inserts the key, and immediately, the ground falls out from underneath Boof and Rana, leaving Qui and Lola on the Material Plane. After a quick glance, they leap into the gaping hole. A couple of Tumble checks later, the pressing question is whether or not the monks will notice their sudden disappearance. Anyway…

The party is now on a floating island, in which a large pagoda temple stands. A stairway and doors of gold adorn the front entrance; however, it is in the back, cellar-door-like entrance that the party is able to get inside. And in the manner of a brief list recap, here is the action that proceeds:

The “Rat Symbol” Room: DIRE RATS!

1. Qui happens to be fighting the only diseased rat and refuses to touch, opting for the quarterstaff instead.
2. Boof relieves two of their oxygen consumption.
3. Lola Flame Strikes one to death.
4. Qui ends up killing the diseased rat, plus another one with Rana’s help.
5. Rana, Qui, and Lola ascend the spiral staircase, while Boof checks out the remaining room. There, he finds a mug (for his Hortense), a length of silk rope, a clear glass chalice, and a ball of thin wire.

The “Bull Symbol” Room: GORGONS!

1. Boof cleaves and Lola Flame Strikes one.
2. Since these mechanical bulls are eight feet tall, Qui activates his Ring of Jumping to leap up and administer his Flurry of Blows.
3. Lola and Rana get gored before landing hits of their own.
4. Qui leaps into the air and fumbles, punching air instead of Gorgon.

The “Bull Symbol” Room Continued: MINOTAURS!

1. Much swinging, fighting, and hurting occurs here.
2. Qui Stunning Fists and Boof kills.
3. In an epic, climactic finale, Lola and her Minotaur strike each other down at the exactly the same time.
4. Qui gives a healing potion to the unconscious cleric, who then finishes healing duties.

The “Tiger Symbol” Room: MANTICORES!

1. Party instantly does Reflex saves, and Qui pulls off a sweet “Matrix” move.
2. Other party members watch this in awe, and thus take major spike damage from the manticore’s tail.
3. Manticore #2 attempts to bite and claw Qui, who exclaims, “I can respect that.” (added note by DM: Many references to hitting the kitty with a stick, no kitty, bad kitty!!)
4. Rana considers the usefulness of a spray bottle of Holy Water (Down, kitty!)
5. Boof wants to chuck a manticore carcass against the wall, but decides against it as he is unable to lift roughly 10,000 pounds.

The “Tiger Symbol” Room Continued: DIRE TIGERS!

1. Boof and Rana are so enamored of the intricate tiger mural in this room, they fail a Spot check and two advancing tigers.
2. Qui and Lola see the tigers. Qui immediately bursts forth and begins punching, Lola Flame Strikes the other.
3. The other two are WTF? at these actions that break out suddenly.
4. The scorched tiger now makes for Rana.
5. There is stunning and healing, and finally the bad kitties are dead.

The “Bunny Symbol” Room: BUNNIES!

1. Boof: “I am terrified of bunnies!”
2. Meadow contains peaceful bunnies. Lola Detects Magic and notices glowing blotches on the floor...but the bunnies themselves are not magical.
3. Bunnies are peacefully cleared out of the way, and group then puts together puzzle pieces on the ground. Actually, Qui searches for the puzzle pieces, Rana and Boof put the actual pieces together.
4. Lola contributes pretty much nothing to this whole effort.
5. This room contains no violence – something we were all unprepared for.

The next room is the room with the Great Seal – all members are healed and leveled!

The Rescue of Princess Florissa - FINALE!

**Insert random quote here about the slippery quality of time***

Can you believe our valiant party of Dungeon and Dragon adventurers has not convened since October? I guess that’s what National Novel Writing Month, Christmas/New Year’s, and the vacuum of January will do a brave company of monster-slayers. It happens to the best of us, I’m sure.

We are meeting again today, under the leadership of Mrs. Tiki, whose fairy-tale themed adventure we had not played since May. The party is composed of the following:

Boof the half-orc barbarian (Brent)
Rana the half-elf fighter (Kimba)
Qui the half-elf monk (Capt)
Lola the gnome cleric (Yours Truly)
Justice Chambers, a frog-turned-Paladin NPC

At last recount, the party’s mission involved rescuing the beautiful and sought-after Princess Florissa. After transporting to a distant location, the party has battled numerous creatures and dilemmas… managing to emerge, unscathed and undamaged. Until now...

Upon waking up in the Dumbo room, many admirations fly about the room about Boof’s new ring, which Lola identifies as a Ring of Regeneration. This seems fairly innocuous at the time, but will come in handy later. Beginning the trek onward, the party comes to a room with multiple wooden doors, and after a strenuous round of “Eenie Meenie Miney Moe”, Rana chooses the one on the left.

The door opens onto a bizarre scene. The entire left side wall is decorated with all kinds of puppets. Qui pokes one with his quarterstaff, but nothing happens, not even when he asks one “Which one of you wants to be a real boy?” Boof steals one with red pigtails. Rana spots a key up near the ceiling, and begins fashioning a lasso to retrieve it. Boof, Lola, and Qui all experience the bitter taste of failure as the barbarian can’t activate his magic flying boots and Lola fails her Detect Magic spell. Qui smashes a puppet in his unsuccessful effort to reach the key. Boof offers to throw Qui, who says, “I have Slow Fall!” Justice says no and reminds the group of Lola’s earlier idea – tell lies (think Pinocchio). The noses of the puppets grow little by little as the group tells all manners of lies. Using the noses as a ladder of sorts, Qui climbs up and retrieves the key.

Unlocking the door on the right, the group walks in on six dire wolves. There is biting and smiting, flaming and shaming, hitting and spitting…and in the end, the air hangs heavy with the reek of scorched, dying wolf fur.

The middle door contains a bed, candlebra, clock, and wardrobe. In a macabre scene straight from the cut footage of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, these three simple objects now becomes animated weapons of pseudo-mass destruction. Boof and Lola succeed at Grapple checks with the candlebra and clock, respectively. Qui attacks the wardrobe with his quarterstaff, which leads to a brief conversation on how animation works…ultimately, the group wonders why Qui just doesn’t punch the wardrobe in its mahogany face. The discovery of a trap door under the bed results in an interesting “isn’t that freaking ironic?” moment: Boof and Qui both epic fail their Strength check – and the trap door does not budge. However, the tiny 3’1” cleric gnome swings it open easily. Huh. Rana lights the bedroom on fire.

The new room contains five doors – each one contains a symbol representing the five party members. A mirror image appears in each door and the following exchanges occur:

Lola: Casts Detect Magic and discovers her “essence” on the other side. In a Nestea-like backwards plunge, she disappears through her door.
Boof: Spits on the image of himself, who pulls an ax. The Real Boof ends up raging on himself.
Rana: Does a full-on cannonball through her door, but not before conducting a very paranoid conversation with herself.
Justice: Greets himself cordially.
Qui: Greets his mirror image as well, before launching into a philosophical conversation.

OOG Discussion: How exactly would a monk rage? Qui provides a sample demonstration.

The party members return to the five-door room shortly, each one receiving a gift from their "twins":

Lola: Aspergillum made of gold, Amulet of Memory
Boof: After kicking his own ass, he receives the long-awaited Maul of the Titans
Qui: Ki Straps, Amulet of Mighty Fist
Rana: Headband of Ferocity, and a +1 suit of scale mail
Justice: Mantle of Faith (it matches his eyes, too!)

After a brief rest, Boof feels the need to use his new toy on a wooden door nearby. The door totally shatters, sustaining 48 points of Maul damage. Boof is happy. The room (now minus a door) contains several mattresses….as well as several basilisks and ogres. After an incorrect version of “The Princess and the Pea” by Qui, Rana finds a key. A quick recap here:

Four dead ogres courtesy of Book, Rana, and Justice.

Three basilisks dead only after Lola sears one and Justice Criticals. Boof fails a Fort save and is turned to stone (Justice cures). Justice ends up killing one more, while Qui takes out the other.

Rana and Lola bounce around on mattresses while singing “We have Sloow Falllll….” to Qui. However, the hilarity of the moment is lost when Rana falls off the mattresses and takes two points of slamming-her-head-on-the-ground damage.

Another staircase upwards leads to jungle-type terrain. A failed Will save by Rana and Boof renders them terrified. The jungle is full of vicious lions and tigers, and one narrow wooden plank is the only thing between the party and safety. This prompts Qui to offer a piggyback ride to Lola, who accepts. It is on the back of Qui that Lola fails a Will save and completely freaks out, then impelling Qui to roll a Grapple check to keep a hold of her. Rana recalls that animals fear fire, and so she sets the wooden plank alight. Before this though, Rana is able to lure Boof across the plank with a piece of tattered lace, saying, “Boof, it’s the Princess, she’s naked!” The resulting time it takes for Boof to cross the ravine is still the fastest forty-yard sprint time in the ancient world.

The next room the party enters is crafted in the manner of Rumplestiltskin. Boof stupidly touches the spindle, and Lola and Qui watch in awe as Rana begins spinning gold. Then, Qui totally ruins the moment by completely desecrating the story of Rumplestiltskin (evil midget dude slips princess a roofie, takes advantage of her, knocks her up).

The party then returns to a room with a Great Seal and are healed instantly.

A room off to the side contains a single glass slipper on a pedestal. Lola asks Boof to try it, and he agrees. However, he fumbles, breaks the slipper, and as he rolls in the shards of glass, a loud click is heard and….BLUE DRAGON!

A desperate battle rages against a incredibly tough-skinned dragon. Lola is the laughingstock of the group (briefly) as she attempts to summon a Celestial Bison. There is a lot of punching, raging, arrowing (not to mention missed arrows and dropped bows), and healing. The Barbarian’s stunning epiphany: run back to the previous room to reheal himself. Lola is grateful. However, the dragon proves to be more than the party can handle…causing the DM to exclaim, “Where did all these skeletons come from?” In what can only be explained as an Act of God, the lammasu from the beginning of the adventure appears and casts Cure Mass Critical Wounds. And the party is rejuvenated…

Qui then attempts to use Stunning Fist, only to fumble. Boof critically hits, and Lola’s bison dies in a blaze of glory (literally). In a quick moment of remembrance of the nameless bison, the whole group forms a pair of horns with their hands. In the end all, be all of storybook clichés, Justice (the Paladin in shining armor) finally slays the dragon. The party races up a flight of stairs to find a woman lying on a bed.

Boof realizes this as the princess mincess of his dreams. He races to her, kisses her, she awakens, and….TOTALLY FREAKS OUT! She tries to run from the room, when she sees the manly, hunky Justice Chambers. He suddenly realizes his true love for Princess Florissa and they embrace.

Even Boof’s peabrain understands what’s happening here. He begins raging.

Princess F is obviously uncomfortable, and she gently informs Boof that, “Sorry, Boof, but Justice is my one true love.” The emotions run across Boof’s face, and in a last-ditch effort to win Florissa’s love: he shouts, “How about this?” and hacks off his own arm (just below the elbow). He offers the bloody appendage as a token of his love. The entire group goes “Ewwwwwwww……..”.

Florissa is obviously discomfited (and yet, not impressed). An awkward moment occurs as the group stares at the heavy blood flowing from Boof’s stump before Lola staunches the wound.

THEN…Princess Florissa has the magic solution! Her cousin Hortense would make a PERFECT match for Boof, who, despite looking sickly and pale from blood loss, appears to accept the proposed match. OOG: KImba and Heather are laughing so hard, their bladders lose control.

Exit Strategy: Lola the cleric sees a shimmery portal and group is magically returned to the library. After a joyful reunion, the King reveals Mordred is indeed a traitor and has fled the town to the south.