**Insert random quote here about the slippery quality of time***
Can you believe our valiant party of Dungeon and Dragon adventurers has not convened since October? I guess that’s what National Novel Writing Month, Christmas/New Year’s, and the vacuum of January will do a brave company of monster-slayers. It happens to the best of us, I’m sure.
We are meeting again today, under the leadership of Mrs. Tiki, whose fairy-tale themed adventure we had not played since May. The party is composed of the following:
Boof the half-orc barbarian (Brent)
Rana the half-elf fighter (Kimba)
Qui the half-elf monk (Capt)
Lola the gnome cleric (Yours Truly)
Justice Chambers, a frog-turned-Paladin NPC
At last recount, the party’s mission involved rescuing the beautiful and sought-after Princess Florissa. After transporting to a distant location, the party has battled numerous creatures and dilemmas… managing to emerge, unscathed and undamaged. Until now...
Upon waking up in the Dumbo room, many admirations fly about the room about Boof’s new ring, which Lola identifies as a Ring of Regeneration. This seems fairly innocuous at the time, but will come in handy later. Beginning the trek onward, the party comes to a room with multiple wooden doors, and after a strenuous round of “Eenie Meenie Miney Moe”, Rana chooses the one on the left.
The door opens onto a bizarre scene. The entire left side wall is decorated with all kinds of puppets. Qui pokes one with his quarterstaff, but nothing happens, not even when he asks one “Which one of you wants to be a real boy?” Boof steals one with red pigtails. Rana spots a key up near the ceiling, and begins fashioning a lasso to retrieve it. Boof, Lola, and Qui all experience the bitter taste of failure as the barbarian can’t activate his magic flying boots and Lola fails her Detect Magic spell. Qui smashes a puppet in his unsuccessful effort to reach the key. Boof offers to throw Qui, who says, “I have Slow Fall!” Justice says no and reminds the group of Lola’s earlier idea – tell lies (think Pinocchio). The noses of the puppets grow little by little as the group tells all manners of lies. Using the noses as a ladder of sorts, Qui climbs up and retrieves the key.
Unlocking the door on the right, the group walks in on six dire wolves. There is biting and smiting, flaming and shaming, hitting and spitting…and in the end, the air hangs heavy with the reek of scorched, dying wolf fur.
The middle door contains a bed, candlebra, clock, and wardrobe. In a macabre scene straight from the cut footage of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, these three simple objects now becomes animated weapons of pseudo-mass destruction. Boof and Lola succeed at Grapple checks with the candlebra and clock, respectively. Qui attacks the wardrobe with his quarterstaff, which leads to a brief conversation on how animation works…ultimately, the group wonders why Qui just doesn’t punch the wardrobe in its mahogany face. The discovery of a trap door under the bed results in an interesting “isn’t that freaking ironic?” moment: Boof and Qui both epic fail their Strength check – and the trap door does not budge. However, the tiny 3’1” cleric gnome swings it open easily. Huh. Rana lights the bedroom on fire.
The new room contains five doors – each one contains a symbol representing the five party members. A mirror image appears in each door and the following exchanges occur:
Lola: Casts Detect Magic and discovers her “essence” on the other side. In a Nestea-like backwards plunge, she disappears through her door.
Boof: Spits on the image of himself, who pulls an ax. The Real Boof ends up raging on himself.
Rana: Does a full-on cannonball through her door, but not before conducting a very paranoid conversation with herself.
Justice: Greets himself cordially.
Qui: Greets his mirror image as well, before launching into a philosophical conversation.
OOG Discussion: How exactly would a monk rage? Qui provides a sample demonstration.
The party members return to the five-door room shortly, each one receiving a gift from their "twins":
Lola: Aspergillum made of gold, Amulet of Memory
Boof: After kicking his own ass, he receives the long-awaited Maul of the Titans
Qui: Ki Straps, Amulet of Mighty Fist
Rana: Headband of Ferocity, and a +1 suit of scale mail
Justice: Mantle of Faith (it matches his eyes, too!)
After a brief rest, Boof feels the need to use his new toy on a wooden door nearby. The door totally shatters, sustaining 48 points of Maul damage. Boof is happy. The room (now minus a door) contains several mattresses….as well as several basilisks and ogres. After an incorrect version of “The Princess and the Pea” by Qui, Rana finds a key. A quick recap here:
Four dead ogres courtesy of Book, Rana, and Justice.
Three basilisks dead only after Lola sears one and Justice Criticals. Boof fails a Fort save and is turned to stone (Justice cures). Justice ends up killing one more, while Qui takes out the other.
Rana and Lola bounce around on mattresses while singing “We have Sloow Falllll….” to Qui. However, the hilarity of the moment is lost when Rana falls off the mattresses and takes two points of slamming-her-head-on-the-ground damage.
Another staircase upwards leads to jungle-type terrain. A failed Will save by Rana and Boof renders them terrified. The jungle is full of vicious lions and tigers, and one narrow wooden plank is the only thing between the party and safety. This prompts Qui to offer a piggyback ride to Lola, who accepts. It is on the back of Qui that Lola fails a Will save and completely freaks out, then impelling Qui to roll a Grapple check to keep a hold of her. Rana recalls that animals fear fire, and so she sets the wooden plank alight. Before this though, Rana is able to lure Boof across the plank with a piece of tattered lace, saying, “Boof, it’s the Princess, she’s naked!” The resulting time it takes for Boof to cross the ravine is still the fastest forty-yard sprint time in the ancient world.
The next room the party enters is crafted in the manner of Rumplestiltskin. Boof stupidly touches the spindle, and Lola and Qui watch in awe as Rana begins spinning gold. Then, Qui totally ruins the moment by completely desecrating the story of Rumplestiltskin (evil midget dude slips princess a roofie, takes advantage of her, knocks her up).
The party then returns to a room with a Great Seal and are healed instantly.
A room off to the side contains a single glass slipper on a pedestal. Lola asks Boof to try it, and he agrees. However, he fumbles, breaks the slipper, and as he rolls in the shards of glass, a loud click is heard and….BLUE DRAGON!
A desperate battle rages against a incredibly tough-skinned dragon. Lola is the laughingstock of the group (briefly) as she attempts to summon a Celestial Bison. There is a lot of punching, raging, arrowing (not to mention missed arrows and dropped bows), and healing. The Barbarian’s stunning epiphany: run back to the previous room to reheal himself. Lola is grateful. However, the dragon proves to be more than the party can handle…causing the DM to exclaim, “Where did all these skeletons come from?” In what can only be explained as an Act of God, the lammasu from the beginning of the adventure appears and casts Cure Mass Critical Wounds. And the party is rejuvenated…
Qui then attempts to use Stunning Fist, only to fumble. Boof critically hits, and Lola’s bison dies in a blaze of glory (literally). In a quick moment of remembrance of the nameless bison, the whole group forms a pair of horns with their hands. In the end all, be all of storybook clichés, Justice (the Paladin in shining armor) finally slays the dragon. The party races up a flight of stairs to find a woman lying on a bed.
Boof realizes this as the princess mincess of his dreams. He races to her, kisses her, she awakens, and….TOTALLY FREAKS OUT! She tries to run from the room, when she sees the manly, hunky Justice Chambers. He suddenly realizes his true love for Princess Florissa and they embrace.
Even Boof’s peabrain understands what’s happening here. He begins raging.
Princess F is obviously uncomfortable, and she gently informs Boof that, “Sorry, Boof, but Justice is my one true love.” The emotions run across Boof’s face, and in a last-ditch effort to win Florissa’s love: he shouts, “How about this?” and hacks off his own arm (just below the elbow). He offers the bloody appendage as a token of his love. The entire group goes “Ewwwwwwww……..”.
Florissa is obviously discomfited (and yet, not impressed). An awkward moment occurs as the group stares at the heavy blood flowing from Boof’s stump before Lola staunches the wound.
THEN…Princess Florissa has the magic solution! Her cousin Hortense would make a PERFECT match for Boof, who, despite looking sickly and pale from blood loss, appears to accept the proposed match. OOG: KImba and Heather are laughing so hard, their bladders lose control.
Exit Strategy: Lola the cleric sees a shimmery portal and group is magically returned to the library. After a joyful reunion, the King reveals Mordred is indeed a traitor and has fled the town to the south.
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