Beneath Two Suns - Episode 5

Hey!  Two sessions in a short amount of time!  Is it possible we might finish this quest before the year ends?  As you all remember, the adventurers consist of thus: a dwarf fighter, a sorceress, ranger, monk, barbarian, and cleric (all human).

And, something new this session - An Observer (CG male watcher 8).  We'll call him Limon (that's a long i sound, folks).  While he's mostly here to "observe", he can get a bit lippy at times.

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The party, now rested up, is itching to spend the recently-earned coinage, and head off in the direction of the nearest medieval mall.  Amid the requests for enchanted armor and weapons, Crom the barbarian shakes it up with a strange request: a +1 feather boa.

After speaking with the Head of the House of Campbell, the adventurers grudgingly agree to escort Nadima to the Hrunchuk Gardens.  A brief discussion commences on arrangement...and really only one thing is terribly obvious: Eva should walk NOT anywhere near the Princess.  The party has been walking on for quite some time when a formation of green-tuniced guards come striding out into the street.  As if that weren't suspicious enough, Nadima cries out: "Rescue me!  I'm saved!", which prompts the oncoming soldiers to charge.  The females in the company are rather exasperated.

Vanya: Is there something we can put in her mouth??
Eva: I can put this fireball in her mouth!

At this point, Limon wants to know what the guards cry in response to Nadima's distress signal.  The DM ponders and then yelps out a, "Hyah!  Nadima, hyah!"

The fight is on.  Arnie and Popori hit with a ranged attack.  Crom decides this would be a good time to rage and calls out "Charge!" in his best metrosexual voice (Look out, boys!).  Tordek, in an amazing volte-face, scores 49 points of axe damage before immediately rolling a 1 (cue deja vu-type music).  Gary the Ranger executes a "perfect failure" (a Critical Fumble immediately followed by a natural 20 follow up roll).  Popori commits a little B & E in a nearby house in an effort to get a good vantage point for his arrow skills.

Everyone else acts as a well-oiled machine: killing, hurting, fireballing, and ice storming the green-garbed guards.  However, the princess has been left unattended, and in the chaos, bolts off to her freedom(hands tied behind her back).  In the midst of all this, black arrows are raining down upon the enemy soldiers, encouraging shouts of glee from the company.  But, it turns out the black arrow shooters are indiscriminate as they also fire upon the party, who not only take arrow damage, but poison damage as well.  One such deft archer is able to hit Vanya as she lies on top of one soldier (thanks to a Critical Fumble during a melee moment).

OOG: Heather comments that she is in somewhat of a Monk Sandwich (without the top piece of "bread").  Limon suggests that it might instead be an "Open-Face Monk Sandwich").

Gary the Ranger, in some kind of battle rage, continues to discharge arrows into a soldier corpse, impelling Arnie to ask:  Why is Gary shooting a dead body?

And, as Eva responds (and everyone knows as common knowledge): That's what Gary does.

Another thing Gary does is Critically Fumble his third arrow shot...so, after shooting a dead body, he manages to misfire an arrow right into Arnie's backside.  That'll teach Arnie to ask silly questions.

By this time, Princess Nadima has escaped around the corner, being ardently pursued by Arnie the Cleric, which raises eyebrows in more than one quarter.  A brief discussion ensues about what happens when a character rolls a natural 20, followed by the lowest damage roll possible, and we all finally agree on this equation.

Natural 20 + Lowest Dmg Roll = Worst Indian Burn Ever

Popori, finally in place atop the house (a la Lee Harvey Oswald), picks off the monk underneath Vanya, who then delivers 35 points of pummel-to-the-face damage.  He's a lot dead.

Thirty-two dead soldiers (and some black-arrowed archers) later...

The previously deafanddumb Arnie has a "On the Road to Damascus" moment, and sees a black archer snatch Nadima and whisk her away.  He hotly chases both of them, blindly, into a random building.  In what lay folk would call "not a shocker", more Black-Arrow Archers await.  The rest of the party, though, has Arnie's back...axe-ready Tordek enters the building, Eva Scorching Rays one, and Popori picks off another (he's rejoined the fray at this point).  As Crom vows to "attack the a-hole who shot me", he Critically Fumbles, trips, and falls onto his arrows, taking further damage.

The party eventually ends up in the alleyway, where the Rangers are asked to roll Swift Tracker checks.  Due to both rolling terribly low, they are only able to inform us that the princess is "down the alley".  Gary the Ranger rolls again and this time is able to detect a strange oily spot pooling in one doorway....and Gary, being the crazy crazy that Gary is, takes off at a full sprint and rushes headlong in through that doorway...only to take some arrow damage.  The party, still out in the alley, sees Gary run in, and fly back out seconds later, pierced with arrows.

Vanya then runs in after Gary, leaps to the bad guy holding Nadima hostage, and kills him.  She then Stunning Fists Nadima (to shut her the hell up).  Gary, for some crazy reason, is offended by this, and events unfold as thus:

G: You Stunning Fisted the Princess!!!
(Gary slaps Vanya in the back, Vanya pivots reflexively)
V:  ...
(Vanya slaps Gary in the mouth for 17 points)

Crom steps in to break up the fisticuffs, Eva gags Nadima with one of her many scarves, and Tordek slings the princess over his shoulder (but not before repeating continuously to her, "Because you yelled, 32 people died today!"  To no discernible effect, however.)  And it's off to the Gardens to finally put this harpy somewhere where a.) she won't cause 32 more people to be killed, b.) nobody else can kidnap her sorry ass, and c.) where we (and by we, that means Eva) won't be tempted to Fireball her.

But first...the party comes to a canal, filled to the brim with red, scummy water.  Across the way, trees and shrubbery denote the Gardens of Hrunchuk.  Tordek is quick to notice there is no way to cross the canal.  Several agonizing minutes pass the group determines their next move.  The company appears to be an impasse...because there's nothing as terrifying as red, scummy water (and no sewer treatment plant in sight). 

Crom: sticks his hand in the red water, nothing happens.
Rangers: learn nothing on Knowledge: Nature checks.
Eva: learns nothing on Detect Poison and Detect Magic spells.
Vanya: pokes her quarterstaff in for a depth check, there is no bottom that she can tell.

Gary (being Gary) decides to jump in and swim it.  However, a red log/croc/lizard creature comes at him.  Popori cracks off a shot at it, as does Arnie the Cleric.  The lizard then bites Gary before Eva sends a Scorching Ray right up its nose.  At this point, Gary's insanity becomes totally obvious as he casts Speak to Animals and Charm Animal on the lizard...all in the hopes of "getting him for his pet".  To no avail, Eva reminds him, "Hey, you know it's on fire, right?"

Several seconds pass as Gary tries to reason with the lizard.  The party cannot tell what Gary is saying per se, but they do not miss the note of manic desperation creeping into the ranger's voice.   Essentially, the lizard is quite peeved at being injured and has no intention of becoming Gary's pet.  Shocker.

Meanwhile, Arnie devises a plan to cast Airwalk on himself and carry the members of the party across the distance.

Vanya volunteers to go first.
Gary pleads with Lizard.
The Princess is next.
Gary begs.
Tordek makes it safely across.
Gary attempts dire negotiations.
Arnie schleps Eva and Popori across without a problem.
Gary beseeches.
Then, tragedy strikes.  Arnie slips and drops Crom in the canal water.  The barbarian gets bit.  Popori begins firing.  The lizard stops moving.

Gary (to lizard): Are you dead?
Lizard: No response.

Gary is then fished out with a rope.  The party has managed to reach the outskirts of the Gardens safely (a relative term).  There is some healing and the group decides to camp/rest here...thus ending another session of...Beneath Two Suns.

Beneath Two Suns - Episode 4

Well, you know, life happens.  This particular party of adventurers has not met since this summer, and so to remind you, we have: a dwarf fighter, a sorceress, ranger, monk, barbarian, and cleric (all human).

But...before the excitement of the continuing campaign can begin, Captain and the DM take several precious seconds being fascinated by a bag of the DM's blank white block/dice.

Then, the party has arisen one morning shortly after daybreak.  There has been an addition.  Standing at the edge of the party's campsite is a short ranger-looking type.  Gary the ranger recognizes him as an acquaintance, and a mini-reunion ensues while the rest of the company remains suspicious.  The new player introduces himself as 'Popori' and says he is of the House of Campbell, sent to help the party.  The skepticism over his authenticity continues until he admits that his bosses are kind of jerks.  Doubt is further removed as he shows us his slave brand.

However, Vanya the monk is impelled to ask: "Why are you here to help?"

Popori: "I'm the best."

Vanya: "We already have a ranger."

Popori: "I'm better."

At that pronouncement, Popori is in.  Gary appears to be a little put out, and challenges his ranger friend to a jumping contest.  Surprisingly, Gary wins the best two out of three.   

Meanwhile, the group discusses the day's plan.  It is suspected that Princess Nadima is being kept within the castle grounds, in the centrally located building.  As the group is hushedly throwing ideas back and forth, a few castle guards patrol by, and one of them utters "10% to Mattix".  The group assumes that is a password of sorts, and Eva is prompted to suggest some kind of diversion that will pull some guards into the forest, where an ambush awaits.  Then, Crom the barbarian and Gary will don the guards' clothing, and lead us as "prisoners" into the complex, where we may then begin our assault upon the castle.

Eva, with the higher Charisma, will play the part of the damsel in distress and Crom is shanghaied into being the "attacker".  In an effort to be more believable as the assailant, Crom removes his pink loincloth, but feels a bit bereft without it.  The diversion plan goes off without a hitch, with kills recorded by Popori and Tordek the fighter.  An even longer discussion then ensues about how to exactly storm the castle.  Eventually, the plan takes shape like this:

Eva, Popori tailing along, will cast Invisibility and sneak around the north side of the castle.  A well-timed Fireball at the far tower/parapet will hopefully draw much of the guards down to that end, allowing the rest of the party to enter unhindered through the main entrance.

Eva & Popori: go invisible and being the trek around.  However, they see two other patrolling guards and stop to wait for them to pass by.

Rest of party: Timing is now a problem, as the main group doesn't know E & P have stopped.  Upon continuing, Gary, Vanya, Arnie, Crom, and Tordek are stopped by two guards just inside the entrance.  Gary yells, "10% to Mattix".  The guards make no acknowledgement, so Gary says it again.  This time, the guards draw swords.  They want to know the password, and the several seconds of awkward silence that follows is enough to tip them off that something is amiss.  Hence, a battle begins.

1. Tordek experiences an eerie sense of deja vu as he critically fumbles his very first roll and falls down in front of a guard. 

2. Eventually, though, the group dispatches the guards nicely, and kills are shared all around.

Crom and Gary do some quick corpse placement (Crom strikes his best casual "there's nothing to see here" pose), and Tordek peeks around the corner, looking for more guards.  He sees none, but he does catch the big "WHOOOMF" sound of a tower being fireballed.  Simultaneously, two other guards on patrol round the corner.  Imagine the very suspicious scene they've just stumbled onto: two propped-up dead bodies, two hyper-casual guards, a couple of extra random people, and a little dwarf looking around the corner of the inside of the building.  Before anyone can say Tasha's Hideous Laughter, the guard kill-count today is increased by two. 

The main portion of the party marches on to the central building, to be joined by the invisible Eva and Popori.  Taking advantage of the invisibility, Eva enters the building, does a quick scout, and exits.  In a large room, she says, is a pit, a cage containing the Princess suspended above it, and guards among a throne/chair.  Crom sets the events in motion by rushing into the building (The Tower is on fire! Help!) to draw as many guards out as possible.  It is soon obvious that the guards are not interested in helping their fellow man, as only one man exits.  But, Eva fireballs him anyway and any other residuals who might be just inside the entrance.

After dispatching the lone (and extremely tough) guard (who is also on fire, by the way), the group proceeds to enter the building.  The DM asks the party to roll a d20, and it is then that Tordek, Vanya, and Popori notice flying arrows from behind them.  Obviously, the guards along the west walls have caught wind of the company's shenanigans, but they are no match for the two rangers, who remain outside to pick off the archers.  Everyone else enters the building to presumably kill some guards and rescue the princess.

OOG: Travis, playing with his dice, pops his own son in the forehead with a random, freaky dice flip.

Popori wows the crowd outside with 36 points of arrow damage to a squishy archer.  Inside, there is much hacking, slashing, punching, scorching over the next several minutes.  The leader (here dubbed 'Giganto') has menacingly advanced towards the fighters, but the party carries on, undaunted.

1. Crom fumbles and flings his weapon across the room.

2. Tordek scores a kill and, looking to "cleave more soldiers", follows the sounds of Gary's celebration outside

3. After a Shocking Grasp by Eva, Vanya delivers the final death punch to the windpipe of one guard.

4. Arnie the cleric takes a break from fighting to do some much-needed healing.

5. Giganto continues to advance, despite being Magic Missiled by Eva.

6. The rangers and fighter return inside, where Popori critically fumbles, nailing Crom in the back with an arrow.

7. Finally, though, the sorceress Shocks Giganto to death.

However, while the epic battle seems to be over...but nothing could be further from the truth, because...

1.  Eva begins a search for treasure near the throne, and sets off a trap, which drops her into the pit below the suspended cage.

2. Vanya sees an eight-legged arachoferretcheeseheadleopard, now advancing menacingly, in the pit with Eva.

3. Tordek jumps in to the pit, Vanya Slow Falls, and Crom slides down the chute.

4. Eva takes several points of claw damage but manages to get in a Scorching Ray.

5. Gary, ignoring the drama below, continues searching up top, and finds a heavy treasure chest near the throne. 

6. Tordek swipes and Vanya punches the creature.

7. Eva crawls away and goes fetal after being clawed down to five hit points.

8. Popori gets an arrow shot in from above.

9. Arnie watches.

10. Tordek finally makes the kill, and hoists a bleeding Eva back up the chute.

11. There is much divvying up of treasure and discussing and searching of bodies.  After a delayed reaction by Arnie, Eva is finally healed.

12.  Everyone gets A LOT OF GOLD and BOOTY (swimming rings, potions, wand, swords, huzzah!)

13.  Vanya begins to question the prisoner, Nadima.  As it turns out, she's extremely whiny...

N: I've had a bad day.

E: Let me tell you about a bad day! (Eva is visibly restrained during this exchange)

After a not-so-gentle removal of Nadima from her cage, the party makes their way back to the Campbell escorts (100 of them!  Where the hell were they during all this?)  Eva sends one last tension-releasing Fireball back at the complex tower.  The group receives another 100 gold pieces from head Campbell guy and another task: sneak Nadima to Hrunchuk's Garden in the Temple Garden.  Eva refuses to go another step until the slave brands have been removed (per hiring agreement), which Campbell does then do.

After a day or two's rest, the group is off to escort Nadima to the garden, but not before the encounter of a troop of green-clad men, prompting Nadima to cry out, "I'm saved!  Rescue me!" to them.

Oh, hell no, she just didn't?