Hey! Two sessions in a short amount of time! Is it possible we might finish this quest before the year ends? As you all remember, the adventurers consist of thus: a dwarf fighter, a sorceress, ranger, monk, barbarian, and cleric (all human).
And, something new this session - An Observer (CG male watcher 8). We'll call him Limon (that's a long i sound, folks). While he's mostly here to "observe", he can get a bit lippy at times.
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The party, now rested up, is itching to spend the recently-earned coinage, and head off in the direction of the nearest medieval mall. Amid the requests for enchanted armor and weapons, Crom the barbarian shakes it up with a strange request: a +1 feather boa.
After speaking with the Head of the House of Campbell, the adventurers grudgingly agree to escort Nadima to the Hrunchuk Gardens. A brief discussion commences on arrangement...and really only one thing is terribly obvious: Eva should walk NOT anywhere near the Princess. The party has been walking on for quite some time when a formation of green-tuniced guards come striding out into the street. As if that weren't suspicious enough, Nadima cries out: "Rescue me! I'm saved!", which prompts the oncoming soldiers to charge. The females in the company are rather exasperated.
Vanya: Is there something we can put in her mouth??
Eva: I can put this fireball in her mouth!
At this point, Limon wants to know what the guards cry in response to Nadima's distress signal. The DM ponders and then yelps out a, "Hyah! Nadima, hyah!"
The fight is on. Arnie and Popori hit with a ranged attack. Crom decides this would be a good time to rage and calls out "Charge!" in his best metrosexual voice (Look out, boys!). Tordek, in an amazing volte-face, scores 49 points of axe damage before immediately rolling a 1 (cue deja vu-type music). Gary the Ranger executes a "perfect failure" (a Critical Fumble immediately followed by a natural 20 follow up roll). Popori commits a little B & E in a nearby house in an effort to get a good vantage point for his arrow skills.
Everyone else acts as a well-oiled machine: killing, hurting, fireballing, and ice storming the green-garbed guards. However, the princess has been left unattended, and in the chaos, bolts off to her freedom(hands tied behind her back). In the midst of all this, black arrows are raining down upon the enemy soldiers, encouraging shouts of glee from the company. But, it turns out the black arrow shooters are indiscriminate as they also fire upon the party, who not only take arrow damage, but poison damage as well. One such deft archer is able to hit Vanya as she lies on top of one soldier (thanks to a Critical Fumble during a melee moment).
OOG: Heather comments that she is in somewhat of a Monk Sandwich (without the top piece of "bread"). Limon suggests that it might instead be an "Open-Face Monk Sandwich").
Gary the Ranger, in some kind of battle rage, continues to discharge arrows into a soldier corpse, impelling Arnie to ask: Why is Gary shooting a dead body?
And, as Eva responds (and everyone knows as common knowledge): That's what Gary does.
Another thing Gary does is Critically Fumble his third arrow shot...so, after shooting a dead body, he manages to misfire an arrow right into Arnie's backside. That'll teach Arnie to ask silly questions.
By this time, Princess Nadima has escaped around the corner, being ardently pursued by Arnie the Cleric, which raises eyebrows in more than one quarter. A brief discussion ensues about what happens when a character rolls a natural 20, followed by the lowest damage roll possible, and we all finally agree on this equation.
Natural 20 + Lowest Dmg Roll = Worst Indian Burn Ever
Popori, finally in place atop the house (a la Lee Harvey Oswald), picks off the monk underneath Vanya, who then delivers 35 points of pummel-to-the-face damage. He's a lot dead.
Thirty-two dead soldiers (and some black-arrowed archers) later...
The previously deafanddumb Arnie has a "On the Road to Damascus" moment, and sees a black archer snatch Nadima and whisk her away. He hotly chases both of them, blindly, into a random building. In what lay folk would call "not a shocker", more Black-Arrow Archers await. The rest of the party, though, has Arnie's back...axe-ready Tordek enters the building, Eva Scorching Rays one, and Popori picks off another (he's rejoined the fray at this point). As Crom vows to "attack the a-hole who shot me", he Critically Fumbles, trips, and falls onto his arrows, taking further damage.
The party eventually ends up in the alleyway, where the Rangers are asked to roll Swift Tracker checks. Due to both rolling terribly low, they are only able to inform us that the princess is "down the alley". Gary the Ranger rolls again and this time is able to detect a strange oily spot pooling in one doorway....and Gary, being the crazy crazy that Gary is, takes off at a full sprint and rushes headlong in through that doorway...only to take some arrow damage. The party, still out in the alley, sees Gary run in, and fly back out seconds later, pierced with arrows.
Vanya then runs in after Gary, leaps to the bad guy holding Nadima hostage, and kills him. She then Stunning Fists Nadima (to shut her the hell up). Gary, for some crazy reason, is offended by this, and events unfold as thus:
G: You Stunning Fisted the Princess!!!
(Gary slaps Vanya in the back, Vanya pivots reflexively)
V: ...
(Vanya slaps Gary in the mouth for 17 points)
Crom steps in to break up the fisticuffs, Eva gags Nadima with one of her many scarves, and Tordek slings the princess over his shoulder (but not before repeating continuously to her, "Because you yelled, 32 people died today!" To no discernible effect, however.) And it's off to the Gardens to finally put this harpy somewhere where a.) she won't cause 32 more people to be killed, b.) nobody else can kidnap her sorry ass, and c.) where we (and by we, that means Eva) won't be tempted to Fireball her.
But first...the party comes to a canal, filled to the brim with red, scummy water. Across the way, trees and shrubbery denote the Gardens of Hrunchuk. Tordek is quick to notice there is no way to cross the canal. Several agonizing minutes pass the group determines their next move. The company appears to be an impasse...because there's nothing as terrifying as red, scummy water (and no sewer treatment plant in sight).
Crom: sticks his hand in the red water, nothing happens.
Rangers: learn nothing on Knowledge: Nature checks.
Eva: learns nothing on Detect Poison and Detect Magic spells.
Vanya: pokes her quarterstaff in for a depth check, there is no bottom that she can tell.
Gary (being Gary) decides to jump in and swim it. However, a red log/croc/lizard creature comes at him. Popori cracks off a shot at it, as does Arnie the Cleric. The lizard then bites Gary before Eva sends a Scorching Ray right up its nose. At this point, Gary's insanity becomes totally obvious as he casts Speak to Animals and Charm Animal on the lizard...all in the hopes of "getting him for his pet". To no avail, Eva reminds him, "Hey, you know it's on fire, right?"
Several seconds pass as Gary tries to reason with the lizard. The party cannot tell what Gary is saying per se, but they do not miss the note of manic desperation creeping into the ranger's voice. Essentially, the lizard is quite peeved at being injured and has no intention of becoming Gary's pet. Shocker.
Meanwhile, Arnie devises a plan to cast Airwalk on himself and carry the members of the party across the distance.
Vanya volunteers to go first.
Gary pleads with Lizard.
The Princess is next.
Gary begs.
Tordek makes it safely across.
Gary attempts dire negotiations.
Arnie schleps Eva and Popori across without a problem.
Gary beseeches.
Then, tragedy strikes. Arnie slips and drops Crom in the canal water. The barbarian gets bit. Popori begins firing. The lizard stops moving.
Gary (to lizard): Are you dead?
Lizard: No response.
Gary is then fished out with a rope. The party has managed to reach the outskirts of the Gardens safely (a relative term). There is some healing and the group decides to camp/rest here...thus ending another session of...Beneath Two Suns.
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